Written By Juan, Former MDC Inner Game Instructor
Has it ever happened to you where you ask someone for advice and they give a vague answer? Although the advice is good, it’s not practical.
For example I remember this: I had to give a speech in my middle school and I was dead nervous. I had extreme social anxiety so I asked my mother, “Mom, what can I do to make this nervousness go away?”
She simply replied, “Just be confident and do your best!”
That was the advice given to me, it was to be confident and do my best! I went the next day to class. The fear and anxiety were there and I just remember thinking, “How the hell does one become confident?”
We all read the books, see the videos, and hear the audios. “You have to be a funny, charming, and confident guy! That’s how the girls will love you!”
If it were that easy, why can’t we just become funny, charming, and confident right after we put down the book? The answer is that the personalities we’ve been forming since we were born do not consist of all those wonderful things.
It isn’t about being confident or charming though. It’s about realizing that you have to decide and embark in a journey of personality change. So why isn’t it easy to change our personalities? This is because our personalities are not something we control directly! It is something our subconscious mind dictates in large part.
When I got tired of being afraid and anxious all the time, I decided to put my foot down and said to myself that I was going to change my personality. I knew this would change my feelings. When dealing with inner game, that’s what you are doing, you are changing the beliefs that affect your feelings and emotions.
So why do we get nervous before speaking in front of a group? Why do we get nervous approaching that petite, cute girl? Why do we fear other people humiliating us in public? Why do we fear being put down?
Most these fears are due to our subconscious mind believing that these are possible dangers. We have trained it over the years to fear these situations because in the past we didn’t know how to control the situation itself, which caused us emotional pain and distress. Our subconscious is there to protect us, and in return, it stands in the way of our goals.
This is how things work:
1) You have the SITUATION - This can either be that beautiful girl standing there, or it can be a presentation you have to give in front of people.
2) Your PERCEPTION of the situation - There is a beautiful girl standing there, if I go talk to her I will get rejected and be humiliated. Thus, causing me low self- esteem and emotional pain. You tell yourself that, “I must not approach! It will hurt!”
Or, you need to give a presentation and people are going to judge me and think I’m a joke. Thus, lowering my value, self esteem, which will cause me emotional pain. “I must do my best to try and keep myself away from there!”
3) The FEELINGS - Shaking, sweaty palms, cracking voice, lack of eye contact, submissive body language, depression, and other symptoms.
So what’s going on here? How can we actually solve this problem to go out there and be confident and charming?
As you can tell, you can only really control numbers 2 and 3.
Number 1 is out of your control. Those are the things that happen when they aren’t really your fault. Like your car breaks down or you get hit by lightning.
Numbers 2 and 3 though are up to you. Don’t get me wrong, but with practice and dedication, you can start catching your perception and what you’re saying to yourself after a specific situation, which will make a dramatic improvement on your emotions or feelings.
It is very important to recognize whenever you’re feeling any kind of feeling, there was a perception before it. Of course you can get high and feel different, but without the drugs, any feeling you get in your body was followed by some sort of perception or self talk. This can include feelings of happiness, sadness, anger, stress, or fear. Any of these feelings were followed by a perception.
So let’s say you see a street fight and you’re a person that likes street fights! I personally like to watch them. On the other hand, I know people who dislike watching street fights. So, what’s the difference? Numbers 2 and 3.
1) Situation - Street fight.
2) Perception - “Wow awesome! I wonder who’s going to win?”
3) Feeling - Excited and curious.
Now to get rid of a specific fear, like approaching women, we must first change our perception or number 2.
The way I found it worked best for me was two ways:
1) Affirmations - Walk around all day with a pen and notebook and start catching all your negative beliefs, especially when you’re presented with a stressful situation. What are you saying to yourself? For example, if I go over and talk to that girl, she will reject me and humiliate me.
2) Practice - Yes practice! If you are afraid of snakes, don’t just say to yourself all day that, “I love snakes.” You have to actually go out there and get comfortable with snakes. Little by little you will see improvement. Maybe in your case, start approaching women. Feel and poke the pain in your belly.
This is a highly effective method for guys. I used it and it changed me. I still work on myself regularly and you should too if you want to improve.
Just remember, when catching your negative thoughts, when you catch it write it down, and change them into affirmations. You must record them and listen to them in the morning, noon, and at night before going to sleep. It’s also important to record them. Do it with enthusiasm and don’t give up. Keep going! Once the affirmations start to annoy you, don’t stop! It just means your subconscious mind is about to experience change!
Remember, some negative thoughts are way harder to spot than others. Keep at it and you will see change. I promise you! You will see change, but you will always stay the same, if you just give up, and don’t do it!
Are you ready to change your life? Sign up for our inner game boot camp. We can teach you this process and take you through it.