Having recently entered a relationship with a quality woman, I desperately needed solid advice on dealing with several particulars of my situation and decided I simply could not proceed on the principles I had previously learned.

I cannot overemphasize how refreshing it was to receive practical (actionable and not merely theoretical), individualized and non-b.s. advice from a true expert on dating and relationships. Dan helped me weed out unnecessary games and tactics which were both stressful and counterproductive to my goals. And while other experts I’ve studied claim that their philosophy can be incorporated into your own personality style, Dan’s approach was the first and only one which actually allowed for this. He is easy to speak with and a true professional. My expectations were vastly exceeded and this testimonial is the least I could do to express my gratitude.

-Mike-

So how did this so-called emotional circuitry skip out on these guys and not the rest of us? And if these guys are the naturals, if they’re the ones that successfully spread their genes on a larger scale than the rest of men, if you begin to trace it back through our ancestors, then shouldn’t evolution have weeded this mechanism out rather than endowed us all with it? By their logic, it should be all the guys who suffer from anxiety with women that are getting the girls, not the other way around. Are you beginning to see the problem with this theory?

These same dating gurus state that approach anxiety is something you just learn to live with on your way to becoming successful with women. While these gurus do have some success with women, you frequently find they are incapable of holding a deeper more meaningful relationship with a quality woman. More often than not, they are just as miserable with women today than they were without them before they started. They trade permanent long-lasting success with women for large quantities of short term unfulfilling success. Is this what you want for yourself?

If you suffer from anxiety with women, this is not something you were born with. This is something you learned throughout the course of your life. Unfortunately, your life experiences have taught you to harbor negative feelings in regards to women and dating which has resulted in poor inner game. However, the good news is that something that is learned can be unlearned. It doesn’t have to be like they say. This is not something that you have to or should live with. Their theories are just excuses they create so they as individuals can avoid dealing with the core problem: their insecurities. They teach you to mask your insecurities rather than face them. Through cognitive behavioral therapy, one can destroy approach anxiety completely and learn to build self esteem with women.

If you suffer from anxiety with women, it is not fair to you. You owe it to yourself to take charge of your love life and overcome your approach anxiety. I highly recommend you look into Dan Silverman’s inner game book: Seven Steps to Inner Game Power and create a habit for yourself of healthy inner coaching.

Yours in Revolution,
Tony V.

America’s Best (and Worst) Cities for Dating

In partnership with AXE Deodorant Bodyspray

Hooking that hottie is hard enough without the odds stacked against you, so the city researchers at Sperling’s BestPlaces have identified for you “America’s Best and Worst Cities for Dating.”

The study is based on criteria that includes percentage of singles ages 18-24, population density, and dating venues per capita such as concerts, coffee shops, bars, bowling alleys, etc., and includes 80 metro areas in America. We teamed up with AXE Deodorant Bodyspray, which specializes in the dating game, to find out which city is revered as the D.C. (Dating Capital) of the U.S.

Land of the Longhorn

Yee haw!     Austin, Texas, tops the list of best cities to play the dating game. Is the city you call home the place to find that special someone?

Best Cities for Dating

1. Austin, TX
2. Colorado Springs, CO
3. San Diego, CA
4. Raleigh/Durham, NC
5. Seattle, WA
6. Charleston, SC
7. Norfolk, VA
8. Ann Arbor, MI
9. Springfield, MA
10. Honolulu, HI

Worst Cities for Dating

1. Kansas City, MO
2. Wichita, KS
3. Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN
4. Detroit, MI
5. Louisville, KY
6. Greensboro/Winston-Salem, NC
7. Atlanta, GA
8. Pittsburgh, PA
9. Houston, TX
10. Charlotte, NC

Check out the complete list of all 80 cities in our study.

Interesting Facts from the Top Ten

“Large cities that everyone associates with socializing, like Los Angeles and Miami, did not rank particularly high, scoring lower in categories like coffee shops per capita and flowers bought as gifts,” said Bert Sperling, president of Sperling’s BestPlaces.

“But cities like Austin (No. 1), Colorado Springs (No. 2) and Ann Arbor (No. were not a complete surprise - they are heavy-populated college towns and it’s easy for young singles to get together.”

1. Austin, TX: Taking home the grand prize, Austin scores relatively high in everything, from frequency of dating partners to the number of establishments to meet people. Austin also has the highest percentage of 18-24-year-olds and knows how to have fun as they spent more money out socializing than any other area. Austin residents also had the highest expenditures on alcohol purchased away from home.
2. Colorado Springs, CO: Ranks in the 99th percentile for socializing at bars and also scores high in the dining out category
3. San Diego, CA: Scores high in the diversity index, which rates the likelihood of randomly meeting someone of a different race or ethnicity, and, of course, San Diego is off the charts when it comes to outdoor recreational opportunities
4. Raleigh Durham, NC: Has a large 18-24-year-old population and a high amount of online daters in the area
5. Seattle, WA: No surprise here - Seattle has the largest amount of coffee shops (great places for meeting people or gathering to rehash the previous night’s activities). It also has the highest percentage of online daters.
6. Charleston, SC: Ranks second in the amount of lingerie shops per capita (behind Columbia, SC)
7. Norfolk, VA: Came in near the top due to the exceptional amount of flowers that were brought as gifts for a special someone. Online dating was also high, in the 83rd percentile.
8. Ann Arbor, MI: Scores in the 98th percentile for percentage of singles and ranks high in the dining out category as well
9. Springfield, MA: Springfield scores high in many categories, among them are percentage of singles, health clubs per capita and bars per capita in the area
10. Honolulu, HI: Honolulu ranks first in the diversity index category, which rates the likelihood of randomly meeting someone of a different race or ethnicity, and scores the highest in the dining out category as well. Honolulu has the lowest number of lingerie shops per capita, probably because no one’s wearing much clothing to begin with.

Better Luck Next Time

Below are some of the reasons that large cities like Detroit, Atlanta and Houston bottomed out in the study.

• 18-24 population: Pittsburgh (overall No. 73 ranking) and Detroit (overall No. 77) are among cities with the lowest number of 18-24 year olds
• Percentage of Singles: Charlotte, NC, (overall No. 71) is among the cities with the lowest percentage of singles
• Latte, Anyone?: Wichita (overall No. 79) and Greensboro (overall No. 75) are among those cities that are home to the least number of coffee shops per capita, leaving few good places for young people to converge and trade stories after a fun night out
• Remove Earplugs: Louisville (overall No. 76) scores low in the concert category; apparently the tour buses are not making a habit of stopping and rocking in Louisville
• Necklaces and Bracelets and Rings, Oh My: Two of the cities where jewelry is least often bought as a gift are Detroit (overall No. 77) and Minneapolis (overall No. 78)
• Ooo la la!: Houston (overall No. 72) is among cities with the least amount of lingerie shops per capita
• Behind Bars: Atlanta (overall No. 74) is among the cities with the least amount of hot new bars, leaving young singles looking for places to meet potential hook ups

Reports from the field

“We’ve received feedback from some of the lowest ranking cities, and it appears our findings are on-track,” noted Sperling. “In these cities, there are relatively few young singles and the towns are so spread out, it can be difficult for them to find each other. Some are using this study as a call to action to provide places where people can hang out and get together.”

The Wichita Eagle comments about this study, “This survey might be tragically accurate. In the last year, this reporter has received dozens of complaints and pleas for help from singles ranging in age from early 20s to late 60s. Their gripes are all similar. They want to meet someone special but don’t know how to do it or where to go. And they certainly don’t want to prowl smoky bars waiting to be picked up and/or rejected”

Methodology

AXE, known coast-to-coast for their dating game expertise, came up with the idea of finding “America’s Best and Worst Cities for Dating,” using 24 distinct criteria including, among others: population density, percentage of singles, frequency of hooking up, dating venues such as coffee shops, bars, and intimate apparel stores and flowers and jewelry bought as gifts.

The study is based on the most currently available figures from the Census Bureau (population characteristics and statistics), Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (frequency of sexual partners), Match.com (online daters), and criteria from leading relationship experts who weighed categories in terms of dating importance.

You can read the full article here.

I hope you enjoyed the article.

Dan Silverman,

MDC Executive Dating Coach

So what is a negative limiting belief?  A negative limiting belief is a point of view or reason you have that you believe limits your success in life, is the source of your failures and self esteem with women, or makes you perceive others in a negative light.  Some common examples of negative limiting beliefs as they apply to our art form are:

Women don’t like me because I’m too… fat/short/bald/ugly/shy.

Women would rather not deal with me, and don’t want me to talk to them.

All women are… cruel/bitches/uncaring/demanding/spoiled.

The problem with negative limiting beliefs is that we give ourselves so many examples and reasons of why they’re true, that after a while they become ingrained in our unconscious minds and begin to become our reality affecting our self esteem with women.  This makes them difficult to identify because you don’t even think them anymore.  Your thought processes just starts to assume them as a default, just like your thought processes would see a glass fall off of a table and assume gravity would kick in.  In fact, you might even be reading this and thinking to yourself “But I am too short to get girls.” Just thinking these things further negatively effects your self esteem with women.

Unfortunately I am neither there to help you identify and reframe these negative limiting beliefs, work on your self esteem with women, nor do I have the time to spend with each and every one of you.  However, I do feel I can present you with an argument that might give you a little food for thought on the way you perceive yourself, the world, and self esteem with women.  I’m going to pretend for one second that your argument is actual fact.  You are too short/bald/fat/whatever, which you’re not, but we are going to pretend.  Let me ask you one question.  How does this belief serve your self esteem with women? 

Even if it were actually true, wouldn’t your life be better off believing a lie?  Wouldn’t you be better off believing that your limitations have no effect on your ability to attract women?  Wouldn’t you, at the very least, be a happier person for it?  Part of the problem is that we tend to believe that facts will always serve us better than delusion.   However, you must understand that we often fail to take into account the relativity of those facts, and assume many things (that aren’t) to be absolute. Just because one or two ladies have told you that they don’t date bald men, and you haven’t had a lot of success in your love life, doesn’t mean that women as a whole, or even a significant number, exclude bald men.  Even if it were true, for one second, why in God’s green Earth would you want to believe something that can only hold you back and ruin your self esteem with women?

If you really want to begin to tackle your self esteem with women, I highly recommend you check out dating coach Dan Silverman’s new e-book, The Seven Steps to Inner Game Power.  Change your reality by reframing limiting beliefs.

Yours in Revolution,

Tony V.

Former Client of Dan Silverman

Going back to the analogy of the daredevil in my previous article, Inner Game: What is it? Part 1, if that daredevil were to jump that bus successfully 98 times, and on the 99th time he screws up, misses, and hurts himself, where would his confidence be when he went to do that jump again? Even if he’s jumped that bus 98 times, all it can take is one potential failure to make him doubt himself and question his abilities.

The same applies for meeting women. All it can take is one bad night out, one bad attitude, or worse, one relationship gone sour to completely shake much of that inner game confidence you built if you don’t have your inner game handled, and undo weeks or even months of work on yourself. This is the key reason why developing solid inner game is just as important as developing a dating skill set. A person with solid inner game doesn’t let failures or situations out of his control affect his personal mindset and emotional state. A person with solid inner game retains his self-confidence no matter what life throws at him.

Many of these same dating gurus state that they start over every night from scratch as far as their approach anxiety goes, unless they’re already bringing girls with them, and that this is a perfectly normal thing. This is superficial confidence, not the real deal. If you don’t believe me, just ask any guy you know who’s been really good with women from a young age; a “natural” as they call them.

Natural’s don’t know what it is to fear approaching women. I’ve tried to explain the concept of “approach anxiety” to my natural friends and they’ve all pretty much given me the same reaction. They stare blankly as if they have no idea what I’m talking about. This is because a natural has had so many positive reactions and experiences with women that by this point, when he gets rejected, it is not even within his realm of comprehension that it is somehow his fault. It’s never his fault. It’s hers. “She just doesn’t know what she’s missing out on.” They have this belief deeply internalized. They don’t even think about it. They automatically dismiss all negative experiences and only accept the positive ones as affirmations of their skill. That should be the goal of every guy. That is solid inner game and true confidence.

If you’re ready to begin to develop a healthy inner game, I highly recommend Dan Silverman’s e-book, The Seven Steps to Inner Game Power.

Yours in Revolution,

Tony V.

Former Client of Dan Silverman

The best example I can give is that of a professional daredevil. Let’s say that this daredevil needs to jump a long school bus on a dirt bike. This daredevil has all the training, knowledge, and experience he needs. He has plenty of experience in stunt jumping. He is perfectly capable of physically jumping the bus, except he has weak inner game. If in his own mind he doesn’t think he can jump the bus, then can he?

If he can do it but doesn’t think he can do it, can he do it? If he tries to jump that bus with that uncertainty clouding his mind, might it not throw him off and cause him to fail even though he is perfectly capable of doing it? In fact, if he fails, wouldn’t he then perceive that failure as further affirmation of his doubts, even if those doubts are wrong, and further weaken his inner game?

When a guy goes to approach a woman, it is exactly the same idea. If he’s perfectly capable of attracting the girl with his wit, charm, and personality but is too busy in his own headspace, doubting himself, and listening to his fears, what will the outcome be? 95% of the time if his self doubt is strong enough, his inner game will come through in his words and actions.

She will sense his fear and she will think he’s up to something that should be feared. She won’t see through his fear and notice that he’s just simply attracted to her. His fear becomes her fear. And all of a sudden, he is “that creepy guy.” The other 5% of the time, she is more than likely as emotionally unhealthy as he is. A guy’s collective failures over the course of his lifetime often compound and create strong perceptions against his own abilities that may or may not even be true, and he is completely unaware of it. This can be the state of your inner game if you do not work to fix it.

Most fears are perfectly normal and most men suffer inner game problems from them every single time they attempt to approach an attractive woman. The vague advice you’ve received most of your life from your friends and your parents is “just be confident” or “just be yourself and you’ll do fine.” But let me ask you this. How can you be confident or “yourself” when you have a gun pointed to your head? The approach anxiety can be the emotional equivalent of the thought of approaching a woman.

Approach anxiety is like having a gun pointed to your head. It can be intensely scary. You don’t have time to stop, think, and act confidently. Your fear kicks in and your mind’s fight-or-flight mechanism takes over. The last thing you are, at that point, is yourself. Stay tuned for Inner Game: What is it? Part 2.

If you’re ready to begin to develop a healthy inner game, I highly recommend you check out Dan Silverman’s new e-book, The Seven Steps to Inner Game Power

Tony V.

Former Client of Dan Silverman

 With this inner game book you will:

 - Gain access to a members only forum specifically dedicated to inner game.

- Make a phenomenal change in the way women and others see you every day.

- Eliminate approach anxiety and awaken your personal magnetism.

- Build stronger and more rewarding relationships with women.

- Express yourself more freely and reveal your TRUE SELF to others.

- Make going to clubs and meeting girls will become a fun experience.

- And much, much more.

You can check out the inner game book at www.innergamepower.com

Dan Silverman,

Miami Dating Coach

As a dating coach, I recommend some examples of what to look for in a potential partner as: intelligence, high self-esteem, open-minded, and sexual. Perhaps you want someone who follows the same faith as you. Do you like dancers? All these things factor into where you should go to meet people. For example, if you are looking for a Hispanic partner, you may consider joining a salsa class. If you like intelligent women, you probably shouldn’t go to bars and clubs to meet them. Not to say that you won’t find them there, but you are more likely to find party animals at bars and clubs. If you approach dating by not looking for anything serious and are just looking to have flings, then the bars and clubs are a great choice for you.

Once you know what you are looking for, you need to be happy as a single person. It is impossible to attract a happy person in your life if you are not happy. Many people approach dating by finding a significant other to fill a void in their life. This is a surefire way to attract needy, depressed, or abusive partners. Having a dating coach will prevent you from ending up with people that aren’t right for you. Finding happiness takes time. It may require therapy, or dating coaching, but most of the time, you can be happy being single by staying busy doing things you love to do. If you spend all your time at home in front of the TV eating ice cream, you’ll get depressed. However, if you approach dating by meeting new people, hanging out with friends, and engaging in activities that you love doing, you won’t obsess over not having a significant other. Not only that, but you will likely meet a potential partner who enjoys doing the same things you do.

If you’d like to learn more about how to approach dating, hire me as your dating coach.

i was reading about your company, the dating coach thing.. so for some free advise …. should a girl ever ask a guy out on a second date or just wait and see? p.s. im very single, do you set people up too?!

-Jackie-

In response I wrote:

I usually don’t, but it appears we were acquantances in school together so I’ll give you a brief answer… your problem isn’t a tactical one. It’s an inner game based one. You should not be super concerned with silly things like, “should I ask a guy on a first date or wait for him?” If you were seeing several quality guys at the same time, you wouldn’t be too concerned over one guy and what he’s thinking.

However, I know that’s not what you want to hear so here you go. A woman needs to be persued by a guy. The more you can make him work for you (without coming across as game playing) the better. As a woman, you need to reward him for his good behavior. Don’t just make him work his ass off and be cold all the time. This just frustrates guys. Any time you make advances or you ask for dates, you are rewarding him. But what happens when we reward too much? People take us for granted. So, did he attempt to make your first date pleasant? Did he make you feel special? Is he making an effort to persue you? If so, then yes, definitely ask him out on a second date. You want to reward him for his efforts. But if he’s been somewhat indifferent, and things are moving slowly, then you need to wait and let him ask you out. If you were busy dating other guys and he knew other guys were persuing you, I guarantee he wouldn’t make you wait for a second date request that long.

Dan Silverman,

MDC Executive Dating Coach

What is a limiting belief? It is a belief that is self defeating and not true at all times. Common negative limiting beliefs are “I am not good enough for a beautiful woman” or “I’m going to get rejected if I approach a woman.” These beliefs cause you to feel approach anxiety and insecurity. To overcome these negative limiting beliefs, we must bash and reframe them.

The process of bashing and reframing limiting beliefs is to disprove and turn them into positive perspectives. For example, let’s say your negative limiting belief is, “I’m not good looking enough to get an attractive woman.” You would then reframe by ask yourself questions like these: “Isn’t it true that you have seen men who are much worse looking than you are with attractive women?” “Is it possible that an attractive woman has been attracted to you at one point in your life?” “Isn’t it true that women place more value on personality than looks?” “Isn’t it true that you have attractive qualities that at least one attractive woman could admire?” After asking yourself these questions, your negative limiting belief should not have as much of a negative impact on you. Since you began reframing limiting beliefs and thinking about your attractive qualities that could attract a beautiful woman, you can use those qualities as proof of why you actually are the prize or why you are a catch to women.

However, just reframing limiting beliefs is not enough. You have to find proof of your positive beliefs to be true. When you go out to meet women, find evidence to support your new beliefs. If you came up with a list of attractive qualities about yourself, think of them whenever a woman winks at you, asks your name, smiles at you, or shows interest. This will greatly increase your inner game. Stop reading and try this tonight!

To learn more about how to improve your inner game by reframing limiting beliefs, check out dating coach Dan Silverman’s ebook, The Seven Steps to Inner Game Power.