Inner Game
Juan is a great friend of mine who used to work for me. He is a heavy set guy. No offense towards him, at first glance, most people wouldn’t think he could get women. However, looks can be deceiving because Juan is far from what you’d expect because of his inner game. I also owe a great deal of credit to him for introducing me to the concept of inner game. When I first started Miami Dating Coach, Juan worked for me as a fellow dating coach. He would take guys out in field and shoot negative beliefs with a shotgun. Unfortunately, he can’t be there anymore for guys with negative thoughts, but he has written an article about inner game for you to explain exactly what he does to solve his inner game problems.
INNER GAME
Inner Game. What is inner game?
Has it ever happened to you where you ask someone for inner game advice and they give you a vague answer? Although the inner game advice may straight forward and obvious, it doesn’t do you any good because it’s not practical.
For example, I remember this: I had to give a speech in middle school and I was dead nervous. Consider the fact that I had social anxiety, which is when you worry way too much about people judging your every move. So, I went to my mom and asked her, “Mom what can I do to make this nervousness go away?” She simply replied with, “Just be confident and do your best!” That was the inner game advice given to me. It was to be confident and do my best! I went to class the next day. The fear and anxiety was there and I just remember thinking, “Her advice isn’t working, how the heck do I become confident?
We all read books, see videos, and hear audios; you have to be a funny, charming and confident guy. That’s how the girls will love you. If it were that easy, why can’t we just become funny, confident, and charming right after we put down the book? The answer to that is because the personalities and inner game we’ve been forming since we were born do not consist of all those wonderful things. It isn’t about being confident or charming. It’s about realizing that you have to decide and embark on a journey of personal change. So why isn’t it easy to change our personalities? Because that is something we don’t control directly! It is something our subconscious mind dictates and that’s what inner game is.
When I got tired of being afraid and anxious all the time, that’s when I really, really put my foot down, and said to myself that I was going to change! I set out to change my personality, which in return would change my inner game and the way I feel about myself. When you work on your thought process, personality, and inner game, you are changing the beliefs that affect your feelings and emotions.
So why do we get nervous before speaking in front of a group? Why do we get nervous approaching that pretty woman? Why do we fear other people humiliating us in public? Why do we fear being put down?
Because our subconscious mind is there to warn us of possible dangers. We have trained ourselved over the years to fear these situations because in the past, we didn’t know how to control the situation itself, causing us emotional pain and distress. Our subconscious is there to protect us, and in return, it stands in the way of our goals.
This is how your inner game operates based on the principles of cognitive behavioral therapy:
1. You have the situation – This can either be that beautiful girl standing there or it can be a presentation you have to give in front of people.
2. Your perception of the situation – If I go talk to the beautiful girl, I will get rejected and be humiliated, thus causing me low self esteem and emotional pain. Your mind tells you, “I must not approach or I will be hurt!”
I need to give a presentation and people are going to judge me. They will think I’m a joke, thus lowering my value and my self esteem, causing me emotional pain. Your mind tells you, “I must do my best to try and keep myself away from there!” This is all subconscious by the way!
3. The feelings stemming from your perceptions – You begin to feel fear, anxiety, hesitation, and depression. Shaking, sweaty palms, cracking voice, lack of eye contact, submissive body language, depression, and other symptoms can happen due to the negative emotions you feel.
So what’s going on here? How can we solve this inner game problem, go out there, and be “confident and charming”?
You can only control numbers 2 and 3. Number 1 is out of your control. Situations are the things that largely happen out of your control such as your car breaking down, getting hit by lightning, or a hot woman walking by you.
But numbers 2 and 3 are in your control. Don’t get me wrong, not at will, but with practice, discipline, and dedication, you can start catching your perceptions and what you’re saying to yourself after a specific situation. Controlling your perceptions enable you to change your feelings, confidence, and inner game.
It is very important to recognize that whenever you’re feeling an emotion, there is a perception or self talk that caused it. This can include: feeling happy, sad, mad, angry, stressed, scared, annoyed, etc. Any of those feelings were followed by a perception. So let’s say you see a street fight and you are a person that likes street fights. I personally like to watch them, on the other hand, I know people who dislike watching street fights. So what’s the difference between me and all those pacifists? Numbers 2 and 3. Here’s how my inner game works:
1. Situation – Street fight.
2. Perception – Wow! Awesome! I wonder who’s going to win.
3. Feeling – Excited and curious.
Get it? To get rid of a specific fear, like approaching women, we must first change our perception. The way I found improving my inner game worked with me was two ways.
• Affirmations – Come up with positive perceptions about you and situations that cause you fear and anxiety. For example, “women love it when I approach them” or “I am a strong and powerful presenter.”
• Practice – Yes, practice! If you are afraid of snakes, don’t just say to yourself all day, “I love snakes!” You have to expose yourself to snakes little by little. In this case, start approaching women! This is a very effective method to improve your inner game! I used it and it changed me. I still have some negative or limiting beliefs in me since I was very, very affected growing up, but I am so much better and happier than I used to be. Just remember, being aware of your negative thoughts, is not the same as writing them down. You change those negative beliefs by changing them into affirmations. It’s more powerful for your inner game. You must record your affirmations and listen to them in the morning, noon, and at night before going to sleep. It’s also important that you record them with enthusiasm! Keep listening to your affirmations! Once the affirmations start to annoy you, don’t stop! It just means your subconscious mind is about to experience change! And remember some negative thoughts are way harder to spot or change than others. Keep at it and you will see change! I promise you! You will see change! But you will always stay the same if you just give up and don’t do it!
If you haven’t purchased Dan’s ebook, “The Seven Steps to Inner Game Power”, you are really missing out. Dan used to charge $1500 for the information in that book. What you saw above is a preview of some of the concepts you will learn in the book, so if you haven’t bought it yet, go check it out.
Juan
LAST THOUGHTS FROM DAN
I cannot stress how important fieldwork is guys. Get off your computer, go out there, and do this! Or else I’ll come over there and backhand you!
Your Dating Coach,
Dan Silverman